Holding On

Holding On
Mixed Media (acrylic, mica, beeswax) on canvas




I used to paint all the time. I used to work with watercolors and acrylics mostly, years ago, but this was all before I drifted into the realm of sculpture and art work in three dimensions, and all the things I knew how to do just faded away. Trying to learn how to paint again, well, it is not like riding a bike. There are so many bad paintings behind me. Sometimes I can see where I've gotten better, sometimes I cannot, mostly it is very slow progress. A lot of paint, painting, frustration, and complaining about all three.

Back in April I had asked for canvas for my birthday... 5, in fact, so that I could start a series that I've been thinking about. Most of my paintings/drawings/whatever live inside my head. In this place we refer to as Katlandia...its the place inside my head where all the characters and paintings and drawings come from. I paint to get these images out of my head... so a lot of times you will see the same girl/pose/theme to my work because I just can't get the image out of my head.

Anyway, I've been spending every day drawing or painting something, anything to let this idea live. A lot of time, this is all I do. I paint, working towards the goal of five pieces, or I work on a paper mache piece, or I work on a gourd piece. I do art. It is not always pretty. Scratch that. Mostly, it is not pretty. Mostly, it is not what I had envisioned in my head. And then I get annoyed. (I'm sure this happens/ has happened to every other artist, ever, in the history of artists.)

See, usually I feel like I paint because I have to. Not because anyone is making me, but because I can't be happy unless I'm painting. Theres a lot of other junk involved in that, but mostly I am not happy with my day if I haven't painted. Is this a creative energy, or spirit... a muse? Is this just an urge? A passion, an obsession? I don't have these answers, I just paint because I have to paint, and I wish I had the words to express that better but I think in paintings and speak with paintings.

I wanted the five paintings to be exercises in style, technique, and simplicity. I was trying to find my style again, the essence of who I am, stylistically, as a painter, as an artist. For this series, I knew I wanted a central female figure, with her hands in different poses. I knew I wanted it to be a simple five-piece series focusing on the execution, the procedure, the method and manner of laying down paint with brush. I want to find MY way, My style, and the only way to do that is paint paint paint. But, man do I ever get frustrated with myself. (I can certainly whine a lot about it as well.) I get so annoyed when things aren't happening the way I wanted them to, the way I had planned, the way I see them in my head. I get to a point where I hate painting. Those are bad days.

I research art every day; painting techniques, styles, media, substrates. Delving into everything from outsider folk art, altered mixed media pieces, old masters, and a lot of dolls/figurative sculpture. It isn't that I want to completely separate myself from the artist that works in 3-d, it is that I wanted to become a better painter. (I'm sure this will help me make better sculptures, as well.) The I clutter my brain with all these other things I've been looking at and concentrating on. Then I want to add something else to my paintings, or change something, or do something completely different. I have to talk myself down from these places and really focus on painting this series, because I think, "Wouldn't it be cool to learn how to do embroidery/paper cuts/ miche technique/ soldering..."

When I was painting this piece, it was all about the series, which exists in my head as "Holding On and Letting Go" It was also about quieting the clutter and anxiety and focusing on painting. It was about style, and technique, and simplicity. Somehow in all the painting I was doing, it really turned into a piece about contrasts. I decided only to use two colors to paint the figure, burnt sienna and a portrait pink, to limit myself, to see if I could successfully paint a person in only two colors. I love to use saturated bright colors, especially in my 3-d work, in this painting I limited those colors and that application to the background. The contrast of busy background / static figure, cool colors / warm, shimmery / flat, vibrant / dull, etc... all came together in little decisions, without planning. (I'm sure that my struggles with painting are a bit to blame for the direction this painting took, odd how things like that manifest themselves while I'm not really aware of what is happening.)

I believe she looks calm and a bit contemplative.

Painting is getting easier and feeling more satisfying.

Dahlia

Dahlia
Acrylic, beeswax, heavy gel (gloss), mica on paper

I was so happy with the way Krista's portrait turned out that I wanted to try and recreate the process and end result on a personal piece. Dahlia uses some reference images, namely the actually dahlia flower line art from Dover, and French court documents. (I believe a gentleman is being fined 9 francs for trespassing. ) I absolutely love old handwriting, back in the day people used to really care about their penmanship.
I used the acrylics almost like watercolors, building up a lot of watery washes over and over again. The end result was a very translucent almost airy feeling that I really like. I painted her hair an almost-carnation pink. I love pink hair. But no matter how much I fiddled with my scanner settings, and later with photoshop, it seems the only way to get that pink back is to physically paint it into the image again. I can't wait to borrow a camera and take really good pictures of all my paintings. (And my dolls and pottery and things I've been working on that I can't scan.)

Quick portrait on cardstock turns out great, much to my annoyance.

Portrait of Krista
Acrylic on paper

This is a painting of my little sister, we call her Roo, but you can call her Krista. Her bangs are purple in the front but not pure purple, a faded some-of-her-natural-color-is-showing-through sort of purple, and were a pain to paint. When she grows up she wants to be a Rockstar/Astronaut/Pirate/Pro-Skateboarder. (Or she did when she was younger.) Now she wants to be an author, which is more achievable than a dolphin, which is what her older sister aspired to be. Also, she makes funny faces in pictures. Every single one, its Roo making a funny face. Oh look! A painting of Roo! Making a weird face!
She is also the little sister that I paint the most. (I have 4 sisters. Roo is painted exponentially more than anyone else.) Also, most of my paintings of my little sister are some of my best, freshest works. Take this piece, for example, acrylics on cardstock, painted in 2 hours.

I normally agonize over a painting for days, at least, sometimes months. (Sometimes years, no kidding, years.)
So I sent her a message that basically said I hated her because, "See, Krista, I never finish anything awesome in two hours, especially not with crappy paints and other shoddy materials.

You realize what this means, yes? I am doomed to paint pictures of you for the rest of my life, if I want them to be made quickly and look awesome."

I'm doomed.
But I don't actually hate my sister (she knows that too, don't worry about her). I recognize life lessons after they happen, which is better than not recognizing them at all... slow down when painting, stop worrying, Stop Worrying, and stop overthinking and overpainting pieces. Maybe I will just start painting Krista in every single piece I do.

( I uploaded a newer, better scan of this painting. I'm getting better at using the evil scanner.)

A little bit of photoshop goes a long way.

Sacred Heart version 1
acrylic and beeswax on canvas


This was originally my favorite painting I had been working on. I love the background, it has an antique sort of look to it that I really like, all those subdued layers of color. It has a lot of depth to it. In my zeal I over painted bits of her face, and now her left eye is a little wonky, maybe I will fix it, maybe I won't.




Sacred Heart version 2
digital rendering over original acrylic and beeswax on canvas

Instead of fixing an over painting problem with more paint, I fiddled about with the image in Photoshop, and I love the halo effect I got. Now it looks reminiscent of an old master's painting. I have a thing for the imagery of sacred hearts, but I didn't paint this with the intention of it being any specific person or saint. I want my next tattoo to be of a sacred heart, almost like a milagro in ink.





Peonies (on Face Study)
Acrylic beeswax mica on canvas


I've been working on a painting for quite some time now, I dutifully scan every bit of the progress of it. This painting has lived with me for at least a year now without ever being finished. I constantly paint and paint on it, constantly changing my mind, constantly changing styles. This painting has seen the worst of it. I had completed most of the details after doing this Face Study, and decided that I had a direction and a final vision for the piece. (yay!) While varnishing the finished canvas, something happened with the napthol crimson in the underpainting, it bled through all the layers of paint; every little struggle, every little change, every mark I made and every decision with a brush stroke is now ruined. I almost had a giant hissy fit. With a heavy sigh, I put the painting away, maybe for another year, maybe forever.
Then I picked up a brush and added random swirls to this Face Study I had on my table, soon they were roses, and then I added more peachypinkyred and highlighted with white, and then just a bit of yellow... pretty soon they were impressionistic peonies. In the process of painting I just got over the loss I felt with the ruined painting. Sometimes they aren't meant to go on a wall, sometimes I am just meant to learn with the process of painting.
Sometimes I have to let go of my art.

But I will be more careful with that napthol crimson.



Lady Godiva
Acrylics and beeswax on illustration board


This was originally a painting of a mermaid. I default to mermaids when I paint if I'm blocked because even if you can't think of something to draw or paint it is always good to just start with something. Anyhow, the waves and water I was painting turned into hair, and there is no tail in sight. I think it just sort of morphed into Lady Godiva. Can I even begin to say how happy I am with her face? The scanner didn't pick up the colors (common complaint, I know) but I'm still okay with the way it looks. Her face! The subtle painterly shading and form, the almost-realistic quality... I'm pretty sure this is my favorite painting so far. All these face studies and paintings I've been doing have been successful, even if it was a bit difficult for me to get through it all, I think I've decided on this style for the future of my girls.
A little personal landmark in the painting process right here. It is difficult to see the end when I am in the thick of it, when there are ten or so unfinished girls scattered about and paint on the carpet (oops) and no cohesive look to any of the ten, but I think I'm starting to 'get' it. (Beware, patting yourself on the back too much. Next post will be whining about how you are specifically Not Getting It.)


Wow, thank you to everyone who is actually reading what I say and looking at my work. I was very truly surprised anyone was following what I write/do. I decided to start blogging with the intent of keeping a record of my painting progress and ramblings on life because I am absolute crap at keeping a journal... I'm not quite sure if anything I say is really that interesting, but thats okay with me. ( I didn't notice I even had comments until a couple minutes ago! Oops!) I really appreciate the kind comments about my work, they brought a bit of unexpected happiness to my day.

Food Day!

It must have been thirteen or fourteen times that I walked into the kitchen today. It is a short path in my 760 sq ft apartment, but normally I spend my time sitting at my table in my bedroom - drawing, painting, sculpting, painting some more. Sometimes I just get this urge to sit and paint all day, and others I just want to cook. All. Day.

Today was one of those days.

Like most days, one thing just led to another... at first I was cooking a whole chicken to make Ravioli Caprese. I didn't want to use a rotisserie chicken, instead I boiled the chicken in a large stock pot with onions and garlic, herbs and spices... It makes a nice moist chicken for shredding and a salt-free chicken stock. I don't have celery or carrots, but the stock came out great anyway. After the chicken cooled, I shredded it into a couple of ziplock bags.

While that was cooking (45 minutes covered, 1 hour uncovered) I cooked onions and peppers in oil, then blended them.. then cooked the mixture with chocolate, spices, and some of the chicken stock to make a cheater mole. I had an empty glass jar (because I don't throw these things away) and now the mole is sitting in our fridge happily. The boy loves chicken, peppers, and chocolate, so I can see mole chicken in our future.

I did not successfully make the ravioli, no matter how easy Giada made it look, so the ravioli filling went into two dishes; a fettucine alfredo full of basil and shredded chicken, and a spaghetti 'caprese' full of all the original fresh basil, lemons, butter, and garlic with shredded chicken. Both were delicious. The dough that was originally made for the ravioli is in the fridge, I'll make No Knead Bread with it tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will make Char Siu Bao. I made the bao (bun) dough tonight as well... and since I already had the flour, sugar, and milk out I made a 1234 cake.
Still not tired from all the cooking, I made a butter/sugar/lime/rum glaze for the top of the cake.. its a really thick cake, like a Tres Leche cake, so the glaze was soaked into it.

I couldn't decide if I wanted mango with it or not, so I chopped some mango anyway, and grated some ginger ontop.
I knew yesterday that I wanted to make the char siu bao, so I already had stew pork marinating in a soy sauce and garlic. The oven was on for the cake, so I went ahead and roasted it in the oven at 350 degrees for an hour...
Then I chopped it up and mixed the sauce together and put it back in the fridge. Tomorrow I will cook it, and assemble the buns.

I am out of things to cook, and it is pretty late at night. I'm done cooking, but I'm still looking at recipes.
Maybe I should have gone to culinary school instead of art school ^_^

3 down 6 to go

Face Study 2008
I don't even know what style I want to paint in, really. I can paint in a lot of different ways, it is hard for me to chose... but I know want a cohesive body of work so I need to figure out what my unique style really is. Do I want to be a decorative painter, a realistic painter, an illustrator, a children's artist, a fine artist, a folk artist... Who knows? I know what I like, and what I do not... but I don't want to paint like anyone else. With this study I was trying to work out just how to paint faces for future paintings... I am sort of happy with it, but I need to tweak some details. But I've already moved onto another piece, so the learning process will continue there.

I've been floundering with a grouping of paintings that I can't seem to finish. I'm having so many issues with painting in general; really with the ideas, with the ability to cull and edit and not put every idea into one piece. I get so so so frustrated that I worry and bite my nails an lose sleep all over paintings that I am working on. I hate having pieces not finished. I want them done, I want them done *Yesterday* and I want them to be the perfect way that I have them in my head. And then I want to be able to add every little bit and piece of technique and medium and painterly style into one poor little 5" x 7" piece until it is muddled and muddy and cluttered and a bit disjointed... Nothing goes together, the composition doesn't work... and what is happing with those colors? There are days I want to break my paint brushes.
And there are days that things just work... that I'm not too worried about the finished product, that I can just sit and paint.

Those days are magic.

I've been painting and trying to ignore the desire to pick a piece a part until I hate it, or overthink and overpaint a piece until I hate it.
I just keep working and working, hoping to get passed this... and if it gets too much I put the paintings away for a while.

Here are the latest two in acrylic, beeswax, and mica on wood.

Lush 2008
I called this piece Lush because thats what I was thinking about while painting it, lush green foliage. I wish I could have a garden, but I can't make plants grow. The moths were going to be butterflies, but I didn't want to add anymore colors, so I left them white and glowing like ghost moths. Originally (in the Youtube 'making of' video) the girl was not a faerie.. but then I added wings because it just felt right... or because I love faeries. I feel like the style I've been working in has a bit of that 'children's illustrator' quality to it from back in the day when I wanted to illustrate books. Also it seems I have a thing for that watery ethereal blue eyes.


Cloud Cover 2008
I always feel the need to tell stories with/about my work, but this piece just sort of happened. I had painted the girl, becuase that is just what my default painting subject happens to be, and I was playing with some heavy gel gloss adding layers of color and texture in the background... then the shapes looked like clouds so I went with it. The arcs of rain were inspired by rainbows... they are like little rainbow slides for the raindrops to cascade down. I know its silly ^_^ but it doesn't get much deeper than that on my end, I'll leave it up to the viewer to decide their own meaning.

Newest WIP

I like the ghostly quality to her eyes, but I'm at a loss as to how to finish this piece. I hope that if I put it away for a while I can bring something else to it later that will work.
I'm feeling a little... stuck when it comes to my paintings. I treat my canvas like they are precious, like I have to paint a masterpiece on each canvas or I can't use them. I doubt I will break myself of this any time soon, so instead I am trying to loosen up on other materials. I painted this piece on some sketch paper that I primed with gesso. After about 3 coats it was pretty sturdy, I used acrylics (artist quality and crafter quality. It seems it isn't just canvas that I have a problem with) micas, golden heavy gel, and my much-loved Karat Liqua paints. (which are hard to find now)
To quote from this article:

Nontoxic, light-fast, water-soluble, Karat Liqua Paints from STAEDTLER[R], INC. are liquid wax paints, containing a mixture of beeswax, water and safe color pigments that allow for easy water cleanup. When applied liberally, the paints may be sculpted, carved or polished. The highly opaque colors may be rendered full-strength or blended with water for a transparent watercolor effect. After drying, Karat Liqua Paint may be dissolved with water for additional blending, or fixed for permanency. The paints may be used with a variety of surfaces including watercolor paper, canvas, wood, plaster, metal, glass and decorative fabrics.

They are water soluable liquid wax, they come in vibrant colors and paint beautifully, like a cross between watercolor and fluid acrylics and they are my favorite paints to use. I've had the same set of 12 for... uhm... like 10 years now.
Some days I think I should just pick up some crayolas and construction paper so I don't hold myself back thinking I am going to mess up a canvas, or use too much of my favorite paint.

My painting style involves using lots of translucent washes and building up layers upon layers upon layers of paint. In this piece you can get that feel from both the skin of the girl and from the background. I use a lot of mica powders in my paintings too, but they obviously do no scan or photograph well, I'm a sucker for metallic and sparkley. Now that entire field of blue/green seems too large. Plus, I just want to keep adding paint and layers to things so I never feel finished, then you run the risk of overdoing a painting and losing all those other layers to worked so hard on.

Overthinking a painting is also a bad bad bad habit of mine.